Act 1 Scence 2...

It’s hardly a Dulux colour chart when it comes to relationships. There is either Black and White or Grey.

When you finally upgrade yourself from T-Mobile to O2 you want to know exactly what your deal is. The sales associate will outline your text and free minutes allowance and how much extra is added for you Blackberry perks! The terms and conditions of your new account are on a long of contract (at which point we all suddenly become dyslexic and forget how to read and just ask the poor staff member another 20 questions) but you still know exactly what your getting before you sign anything away.

So why do we accept cloudy rules of commitment from someone and yet still throw them some vagina or penis? You don’t trust these corporate and legally approved people with your money without a presentation, a leaflet, a paper copy of terms and conditions, yet you will give out your baby maker with the possibility of disease… with very few questions asked.

So here’s how it works….

Earl Grey….

Jeromeo meets Antoinette and things are going swimmingly. She likes him and he likes her. How does she know that… because he’ll call her and say it, he’ll text her something sweet on his lunch break. But he is smart enough to not set anything in stone (unless it's a statue of himself looking like a P.I.M.P!)

A month or two will roll by and Antoinette finds it difficult to introduce him to people because she doesn’t really know what to say. Oh you know that situation where… you bump into a group of friends on Oxford Street. They aren’t your best buds in the world and the guy or gal next to you is standing around looking a bit gangly and smiling nervously whilst the gang eyes them up clearly as both parties try to work out the social situation and intimacy status of you two. You meanwhile try to ignore this, and talk (no more like ramble about Tom Foolery hoping the whole affair will end soon without you actually having to introduce anyone.)

A- because you probably don’t even really like these people so the chances are, you won’t intentionally meet them again and therefore introductions aren't necessary

B- because you don’t really have a title for the person next to you!- Cringing are we…? Good!

In Antoinette’s particular case she doesn’t want to introduce Jeromeo as her friend because to do that would be reckless. There is always 1 heifer in the group that will take up her cue to say that he’s fair game and try and entice him with her leg. Nor can she say oh this is my man/ boyfriend/ geezer- however you want to put it, as they haven’t had that conversation yet. So he simply gets introduced as Jeromeo.

This is when you know that you are in a “Grey” situation. That murky “are we something or not” kind of phase. Almost like a McDonalds Chicken Nugget, posing as chicken but we all know that somehow its just not quite there. It’s not Nando’s. Just a white mush covered in batter… We don’t even notice that it doesn’t quite taste like chicken because we are smart enough to drown them in Ketchup.

So now we know what grey looks like.

Grey for Jeromeo is easy peasy pudding and the pie. Yes he gets the pie and he gets to eat it without even cooking it. He has all the goods of this good girl but he hasn’t given the commitment. Why would he change anything about this situation? I don’t blame him for doing what he does. Whilst he might like Antoinette that little bit more then he does his other girls (Oh yes.. there are other girls… what did you really think this was some exclusive dating?! Erm yeah that would imply commitment, defeating the whole object of being grey. – Duh!) he has not been required to go that extra mile and fully commit himself.

Let’s flip the script.

Antoinette makes things grey just as easily as Jeromeo. She’ll just pretend she doesn't know she’s doing it. Let us pretend for a moment Jeromeo and Antoinette are just friends and 1 day her spidy sense starts tingling because he has sent her a few overly sweet text messages and they are suppose to be just friends. She now has options. She can simply and sensibly nip any romantic ideas in the bud and address his over friendly behaviour or (more likely) she can send a not so Ribena Toothkind reply and enjoy the attention by lacing up her reply with sugar and sweeteners. Taking option 2 she makes things grey. His official title is of a friend and nothing more. However by flirting back there is an indication of possibility. The word to note here is implied. Because in 2 weeks time Jeromeo will move in to kiss her thinking he’s understood the signals and Antoinette will pull back all ‘innocently’ confused quoting “we’re just friends”

And on the other hand there is…Black and White… MJ style

A guy likes you. He lets you know. Between you at some point it will then be decided and said out loud or a text for written proof, the binding contract you guys being an item. Or at least talking about it in a positive way that would suggest you are to move forward. It is that simple.

It may not come in the simple words of hey you're my girlfriend/boyfriend… but wording is pretty unimportant as the final message tends to be we are not seeing other people.

Jeromeo and Antoinette where out at dinner when a miscellaneous girl calls him… (The girl doesn’t even deserve a name. Had this have been 2 weeks ago before Jeromeo had met Antoinette then it would be Serena but now she is just miscellaneous girl… sad times!). He doesn’t answer and naturally Antoinette enquires about who it was. Having watched Beyonce rotate her hips earlier that day, whilst singing “If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it!” Jeromeo takes this prompt to explain to Antoinette the unimportance of other girls in his life. Goooooooooooooal! Exclusivity. We’re not asking for marriage, just the right to say I’m the only 1!!! (And can be rest assured that I shall be STD free!!!)

If Jeromeo is being tedious about letting Antoinette know that he likes her then alarm bells should go off and she should open her beak and ask some questions.

So the solution would seem to be Emotional Milestones people. We have deadlines for everything whether we like it or not. Coursework, Dissertation, Tax Returns… even from your mum “If this room isn’t tidy by the time I get back…” – So why would we not place some deadlines on our relationships.

If you went shopping and bought a top you would try it on and only 1 of 3 things can happen. You love it. You hate it. You’re not sure. Relationships tend to resemble the latter of “hmmm – I’m not sure.” But guess what store policy requires you to be sure within 28 days or you forfeit a full refund, so (with credit crunching like dry cereal) you are require to make up your mind up soon enough. To keep or not to keep that is the question?

So what’s the lesson here?

1. Find out exactly where you stand ASAP! This means you need to ask QUESTIONS. Do not let your ovaries shrivel and your sperm stop swimming before you finally find out.
2. Don't give anyway everything in the HOPE you might get something back. Would the bank hand out free money in the hope they MIGHT get some of it back at the end of the week? Me thinks not!
3. If you like it and you want to hold it down then I suggest you do so, “1 mans rubbish is another mans treasure” So you may find you lose out if don't.

You allow grey because you think it’s better than nothing. If I had a big red marker I would nicely put a big cross through that thought! You couldn't be more wrong!

You think that grey lessens the pain of being lonely and of separation. Not true- it just prolongs it. All that happens is you fool yourself into thinking that you are happy with the current situation. And for the most part you will be, but that is because you block out the ugly thought of this persons freedom to date other people. This ‘happiness’ you have can only be temporary. Then what do you do and how do you feel when they just drop you and get with someone else. You don't even have the right to mad. There were no rules! Because there was no commitment. The only person you have the right to mad at is yourself. And that's what hurts the most. But this can all be avoided!!!!

Just think of yourself as a spoilt fat kid. You don’t want a small slice of cake you want the whole thing. And ASAP!

People can easily make you feel guilty, selfish, and pushy for asking those oh so dreaded commitment questions. Don’t be fooled its just a strategic trick invented by the pro’s to drag out the game a tad bit longer. We have suddenly become scared of asking someone to lay out there cards because we are afraid that we’ll scare them off. I can’t lie to you 70% of the time this will be the case. They will grow Usain Bolt legs to get away from you if you begin to suggest ‘settling’ but I’m just trying to get you what you deserve. Why should you have anything less? If they run it’s because they weren’t good enough or mature enough to handle what you had to give to.

The next blog is but a prose away….

With love the Urban Shakespeare