Act 1 Scence 2...

It’s hardly a Dulux colour chart when it comes to relationships. There is either Black and White or Grey.

When you finally upgrade yourself from T-Mobile to O2 you want to know exactly what your deal is. The sales associate will outline your text and free minutes allowance and how much extra is added for you Blackberry perks! The terms and conditions of your new account are on a long of contract (at which point we all suddenly become dyslexic and forget how to read and just ask the poor staff member another 20 questions) but you still know exactly what your getting before you sign anything away.

So why do we accept cloudy rules of commitment from someone and yet still throw them some vagina or penis? You don’t trust these corporate and legally approved people with your money without a presentation, a leaflet, a paper copy of terms and conditions, yet you will give out your baby maker with the possibility of disease… with very few questions asked.

So here’s how it works….

Earl Grey….

Jeromeo meets Antoinette and things are going swimmingly. She likes him and he likes her. How does she know that… because he’ll call her and say it, he’ll text her something sweet on his lunch break. But he is smart enough to not set anything in stone (unless it's a statue of himself looking like a P.I.M.P!)

A month or two will roll by and Antoinette finds it difficult to introduce him to people because she doesn’t really know what to say. Oh you know that situation where… you bump into a group of friends on Oxford Street. They aren’t your best buds in the world and the guy or gal next to you is standing around looking a bit gangly and smiling nervously whilst the gang eyes them up clearly as both parties try to work out the social situation and intimacy status of you two. You meanwhile try to ignore this, and talk (no more like ramble about Tom Foolery hoping the whole affair will end soon without you actually having to introduce anyone.)

A- because you probably don’t even really like these people so the chances are, you won’t intentionally meet them again and therefore introductions aren't necessary

B- because you don’t really have a title for the person next to you!- Cringing are we…? Good!

In Antoinette’s particular case she doesn’t want to introduce Jeromeo as her friend because to do that would be reckless. There is always 1 heifer in the group that will take up her cue to say that he’s fair game and try and entice him with her leg. Nor can she say oh this is my man/ boyfriend/ geezer- however you want to put it, as they haven’t had that conversation yet. So he simply gets introduced as Jeromeo.

This is when you know that you are in a “Grey” situation. That murky “are we something or not” kind of phase. Almost like a McDonalds Chicken Nugget, posing as chicken but we all know that somehow its just not quite there. It’s not Nando’s. Just a white mush covered in batter… We don’t even notice that it doesn’t quite taste like chicken because we are smart enough to drown them in Ketchup.

So now we know what grey looks like.

Grey for Jeromeo is easy peasy pudding and the pie. Yes he gets the pie and he gets to eat it without even cooking it. He has all the goods of this good girl but he hasn’t given the commitment. Why would he change anything about this situation? I don’t blame him for doing what he does. Whilst he might like Antoinette that little bit more then he does his other girls (Oh yes.. there are other girls… what did you really think this was some exclusive dating?! Erm yeah that would imply commitment, defeating the whole object of being grey. – Duh!) he has not been required to go that extra mile and fully commit himself.

Let’s flip the script.

Antoinette makes things grey just as easily as Jeromeo. She’ll just pretend she doesn't know she’s doing it. Let us pretend for a moment Jeromeo and Antoinette are just friends and 1 day her spidy sense starts tingling because he has sent her a few overly sweet text messages and they are suppose to be just friends. She now has options. She can simply and sensibly nip any romantic ideas in the bud and address his over friendly behaviour or (more likely) she can send a not so Ribena Toothkind reply and enjoy the attention by lacing up her reply with sugar and sweeteners. Taking option 2 she makes things grey. His official title is of a friend and nothing more. However by flirting back there is an indication of possibility. The word to note here is implied. Because in 2 weeks time Jeromeo will move in to kiss her thinking he’s understood the signals and Antoinette will pull back all ‘innocently’ confused quoting “we’re just friends”

And on the other hand there is…Black and White… MJ style

A guy likes you. He lets you know. Between you at some point it will then be decided and said out loud or a text for written proof, the binding contract you guys being an item. Or at least talking about it in a positive way that would suggest you are to move forward. It is that simple.

It may not come in the simple words of hey you're my girlfriend/boyfriend… but wording is pretty unimportant as the final message tends to be we are not seeing other people.

Jeromeo and Antoinette where out at dinner when a miscellaneous girl calls him… (The girl doesn’t even deserve a name. Had this have been 2 weeks ago before Jeromeo had met Antoinette then it would be Serena but now she is just miscellaneous girl… sad times!). He doesn’t answer and naturally Antoinette enquires about who it was. Having watched Beyonce rotate her hips earlier that day, whilst singing “If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it!” Jeromeo takes this prompt to explain to Antoinette the unimportance of other girls in his life. Goooooooooooooal! Exclusivity. We’re not asking for marriage, just the right to say I’m the only 1!!! (And can be rest assured that I shall be STD free!!!)

If Jeromeo is being tedious about letting Antoinette know that he likes her then alarm bells should go off and she should open her beak and ask some questions.

So the solution would seem to be Emotional Milestones people. We have deadlines for everything whether we like it or not. Coursework, Dissertation, Tax Returns… even from your mum “If this room isn’t tidy by the time I get back…” – So why would we not place some deadlines on our relationships.

If you went shopping and bought a top you would try it on and only 1 of 3 things can happen. You love it. You hate it. You’re not sure. Relationships tend to resemble the latter of “hmmm – I’m not sure.” But guess what store policy requires you to be sure within 28 days or you forfeit a full refund, so (with credit crunching like dry cereal) you are require to make up your mind up soon enough. To keep or not to keep that is the question?

So what’s the lesson here?

1. Find out exactly where you stand ASAP! This means you need to ask QUESTIONS. Do not let your ovaries shrivel and your sperm stop swimming before you finally find out.
2. Don't give anyway everything in the HOPE you might get something back. Would the bank hand out free money in the hope they MIGHT get some of it back at the end of the week? Me thinks not!
3. If you like it and you want to hold it down then I suggest you do so, “1 mans rubbish is another mans treasure” So you may find you lose out if don't.

You allow grey because you think it’s better than nothing. If I had a big red marker I would nicely put a big cross through that thought! You couldn't be more wrong!

You think that grey lessens the pain of being lonely and of separation. Not true- it just prolongs it. All that happens is you fool yourself into thinking that you are happy with the current situation. And for the most part you will be, but that is because you block out the ugly thought of this persons freedom to date other people. This ‘happiness’ you have can only be temporary. Then what do you do and how do you feel when they just drop you and get with someone else. You don't even have the right to mad. There were no rules! Because there was no commitment. The only person you have the right to mad at is yourself. And that's what hurts the most. But this can all be avoided!!!!

Just think of yourself as a spoilt fat kid. You don’t want a small slice of cake you want the whole thing. And ASAP!

People can easily make you feel guilty, selfish, and pushy for asking those oh so dreaded commitment questions. Don’t be fooled its just a strategic trick invented by the pro’s to drag out the game a tad bit longer. We have suddenly become scared of asking someone to lay out there cards because we are afraid that we’ll scare them off. I can’t lie to you 70% of the time this will be the case. They will grow Usain Bolt legs to get away from you if you begin to suggest ‘settling’ but I’m just trying to get you what you deserve. Why should you have anything less? If they run it’s because they weren’t good enough or mature enough to handle what you had to give to.

The next blog is but a prose away….

With love the Urban Shakespeare

Act 1 Scene 1...

Men can break up with you, cheat on you, tell you that they “can’t handle the pressure of commitment right now -so lets just be friends” and even though it hurts you and breaks your soul that someone you loved or liked so much is doing this to you…
…we still go out of our way to befriend them, allow them to buddy us, still be in our lives when it’s convenient to them?! – Just to prove what exactly?!

A victim of this crime myself I can’t judge to harshly, but now that I’m on the saner side of life I feel it my duty to help out those I left behind! Lol! (Just my way of showing you lurve dolls!)

Example:

Jeromeo ends things with Antoinette talking about “things weren’t the same any more”
(your first reaction should be well duh… things in life are suppose to change dumbass but hey lets not divert…) he brings in the line “lets stay good friends”.

Now after an extensive amount of time in a relationship we ladies tend to believe a guy when he says lets just be friends. Why shouldn't he be sincere? The thing is that unfortunately Jeromeo didn’t really mean it. They don’t often really mean it.
We then find the ‘friendship calls’ suddenly become one sided. Even though Jeromeo was the 1 who suggested friendship... yup.... you guessed it- Antoinette is making all the effort. Not in a stalker heartbroken way but in the “Hey we haven’t spoken in 2 week how was your day?” kind of way. Still his response wasn’t even lukewarm.

I want you to pause here for a moment and think: I’m going to reiterate this scene with a tad more emotion to make it more accurate...
Antoinette is scrolling through her phone. She checks the time and thinks I won’t call now as he would have only just finished work and I want him to actually be able to talk. So she waits till 7.30. Se then stares at the name and number on her screen for a while before finally plucking up the courage to press the green phone on her Blackberry. With butterflies in her stomach, sweaty palms and a dry throat Antoinette anxiously waits to hear a voice at the other end. She rehearses in her head how the conversation is going to go, the questions she wants to ask all composed in an order that suggests the phone call is of a friendly motive and by no way a stab at getting back with him. Yet when she hears that oh so familiar T-Mobile lady she is disappointed yet slightly relieved at the same time, which is then followed by a barrage of thoughts contemplating when would be appropriate to try again. Too soon makes her look desperate and wanting more than friendship and not at all would suggest… what? What would suggest.
You're not sure I hear you say? Well that's why I’m bloody writing this!!! What would be the big deal if you never tried again! He saw the missed call. You tried. It was his idea to be friends. You went through a whole bag of emotions and thoughts for what?! Why would you do it to yourself only to get a big tasty slice of air pie?

So the ‘ex’ couple suddenly find themselves in a bar for a mutual friend’s birthday. (Now I’m a good friend… if there is a chance of things like this happening then you pre warn people but well clearly I’m a cut above the rest.) A tad surprised and caught out upon seeing the other… (I’m sure you can imagine the scene, or have been in a similar situation…. Your minds racing and heart is beating. You suddenly wished you’d picked a better outfit, had straightened your hair better and had more people around you especially of the male sort. But you don’t and for some reason you now feel like he has got 1 up on you, and are a little bit embarrassed.)
FYI- None of these feelings are rational. You have done nothing wrong. You look good- but hey it’s just how you feel regardless! Irrational emotions and periods are probably the major 2 downers of being a woman!
Any ways Jeromeo looks sheepish and embarrassed for like a split second before he comes striding over to Antoinette like nothings happened…embraces her with a big hug like he didn’t (Fill in the blank with the appropriate word) ________ dump/cheat/leave for unexplainable reasons/ or ignore her phone calls.
So now Jeromeo and Antoinette are chatting away with him telling her how amazing work is and how great Ayia Napa was this year. He hasn’t really bothered to ask her anything about herself other than how her family is before introducing her to some random chick. Who of course is just a friend… Any miscellaneous girl with whom Antoinette forces out a pearly white smile convincingly strikes up uncomfortable conversation with. All whilst this girl holds her ex man arm like it isn’t properly attached at the elbow.
He then bounces off girl in tow telling Antoinette that they should meet up sometimes, and he’ll give her a call. She skulks back over to her friends enraged, frustrated and upset at how the whole thing was just played out.

I could give you countless examples and different scenarios but we are smart peoples and I’m sure that we can all use our imaginations to replace Jeromeo and Antoinette with our own painful, personal memories.

This is where the example ends and the schooling begins…
I asked again…Why oh Why do we put ourselves through such situations?!
1. She was mad at him for breaking up with her.
2. It was him who suggested a friendship and not followed through with it.
3. He once again implied he would call and make and effort to be a friend so she hadn’t been delusional or misheard him or been mistaken the 1st time round.
4. The whole thing was initiated by him!

Now try to stay with me here it might get messy… We could blame the Ex for essentially lying or just saying things to appease our girlfriend. But realistically he’s probably not going to change so why bother go down that path. An even better reason is that he is no longer our responsibility. He is the EX boyfriend.
Yes we may care etc… but if his behaviour is not to the standard that we require and his actions are continually hurting us why would you make allowances? But here’s the point I want to really drive home… Antoinette stood there and forced on her happy face and made conversation. Was that pride? Naivety? Stupidity? I suspect it was more obligation. We feel obligated to be nice to someone after we break up with them no matter how much they hurt you or are still hurting you. We feel we’ll be seen as unforgiving, unchristian like, or bitter if we don't play nice -Its partly male manipulation. If you tell a guy you don't speak to them any more they begin to wail… oh but woe is me what have I done that is so bad? Look I’m not saying once you break up go out and scratch their cars, or change your number, or throw them evil looks should you happen to be in the same room. I’m just simply saying that there is no point killing yourself being Missy all nice, sugar and spice when they won’t appreciate it. Say hello, smile, wave and carry on with your day.

Untrue to his word Jeromeo has made no attempt at being a better friend, or calling Antoinette. So all the face ache she went through straining her face to showing all 32 teeth for their 20 minute conversation was well a waste. Sorry but not all tales have a happy ending!

Swiftly moving on…. Take you time. If you break up with someone and it hurts. Then it hurts. Don’t force yourself into feeling uncomfortable to please them. They clearly weren't grateful for your efforts when you were together so why would they be after you’ve split.
They will offer you the Olive branch of friendship. I’m not telling you to take the branch and snap it in their face. Just tell the guy to put it in his back pocket for some months until you feel ready. A clean break and not talking for a substantial amount of time will help you get over things quicker. That means no Facebook stalking!

On a final note, I the Urban Shakespeare wish to offer you the words not of my own but from the musical guru’s. To all my Antoinette’s out there: Lauryn Hill said: “Don’t pretend to be hard rock, when you really are a gem”
Why be a pebble, boulder or brick when you could be a diamond, emerald or sapphire! Beyonce said: "To the left, to the left…" not take 2 steps left then 1 step right! And that's essential what you do when you break your back to befriend the ex! Some people can do it straight away with no problems. For others of us it takes more time and there ain’t no shame in that!

So that's Antoinette done what about Jeromeo how is he feeling what’s going on in his head? Well maybe we should have done him 1st because men have shorter attention spans but briefly I promise:

Guys lets just tell them the truth! At the time of your break up speech throwing in the old let’s be friends may seem like a good idea to soften the blow. Well its not. If you don’t mean it then do say it. Regardless the chick is going to be hurt. If you don't take this advice what happens… you end wondering why she is (please circle appropriate phrase) still calling/ clinging on/ or annoyingly stalking you with questions about things that no longer concern them. That leads you to drastic measures of ignoring them. You’ve moved up onto the next and wondered why she hasn't. Then TADA… you end up hurting her more than intended. It's the catch 22 of break ups. Spit some sweet lines about being friends to lessen the crazy in her reaction to the sad news or be honest, that way not letting her down with expectations that you built up and having her respect and somewhere down the line the possibility of a legitimate friendship. Again Jeromeo’s I’m not saying be bitterly cold and tell her there will be no contact, just simply don’t implant the seed of false hope. Don’t say you’ll call if you have no intentions to. It is actually lying!

Until next century my Shakespearian lovers….